Coldplay. Why?
It’s a question that many people are asking, now more than ever. I don’t have the answer, but if you’re suffering from Coldplay, I can help. With my 5-step plan, you too can enjoy a better, brighter, Coldplay-free tomorrow.
- Listen to Parachutes. For those of you at the back of the bandwagon, that was their debut album. By Coldplay standards, it’s actually quite good, but the truth is that although sleeper hit Yellow still sounds like a solid slice of Brit-Indie, it is on the whole pretty humdrum stuff. You don’t need it, so avoid future disappointment, by the simple act of putting it somewhere out of sight, and out of reach. Ask a tall person to help.
- Put X&Y and that second album with the long title back on the shelf. Or behind it. Or next to it, under the bin lid, but above the base of the bin. If you must retrieve them before bin collection day, I’ll allow you the occasional sneaky of Clocks. Never listen to In My Place unless you like the twin sensations of shame and guilt.
- Listen to Breathe, the debut album by Leaves. Notice how it’s like Coldplay, but taken from the musical Be Good To Yourself range. If you like it, buy their new album The Angela Test when it comes out on August 15.
- Listen to anything by the House of Love. You probably already know Shine On, you might, if you’re lucky, be familiar with other shimmering early HoL tracks like Christine, Hope, Love in a Car, and Fisherman’s Tale, or later tracks from the Babe Rainbow era, like The Girl With The Loneliest Eyes, Feel, Crush Me, or the lilting Fade Away. Savour the Creation era material - can you imagine a more beautiful guitar sound trailing from your speakers? Listen to Guy Chadwick’s voice at its most tender. Realise that it’s like Chris Martin, only different. Listen to their reunion album Days Run Away. Realise that 20 years on they are still the kings of that guitar sound. Now go out and buy 1986-1988: The Creation Recordings.
- Listen to Aimee Mann’s live version of The scientist. Compare and contrast with the original. Notice how it’s about 14 minutes shorter. That’s because it plays in real-time, and not whine-time. Where Chris Martin seems to be struggling to reach the next word (not to mention the notes), Aimee relaxes into the lyric. Feel the flow of the melody. Realise now that Coldplay are not only not the best band in the world, but they’re not even the best Coldplay in the world.
This plan had been in preparation for some time, and is published as an emergency response to a disturbing poll I discovered yesterday. Please pass it on, and help to stamp out Coldplay before it goes pandemic.
4 Comments on The Cure for Coldplay
Brilliant! Keep up the good work
Good one. I’d suggest adding Elbow to the list.
I once tried selling my copy of Parachutes, bought a huge long time ago, to a second-hand CD shop. I was told they’d already bought too many copies of Parachutes from people and they were overstocked.
Elbow would be an excellent replacement in most people’s lives. My only concern would be the steep learning curve casual listeners would have to go through on hearing the genuine emotion in Guy Garvey’s voice. Something they wouldn’t be very used to.
I was fortunate enough to attend one of the screenings for the DVD of Leaders of the Free World recently. I didn’t pay much attention to the videos, but it sounded like their strongest album yet.
Oi! Martin! No! You will no come in here whinging about your lights blinding me in a way Maria Carey would be proud of. Shut it!