Premiership footy is back. Oh yes. Are you ready for instant disappointment when your side loses its first home game? Can you cope with 48 weeks or so of Chris Kamara? I know I can’t. It’s not the money that stops me getting Sky, you know.

Onto the predictions:

Saturday August 13th

Aston Villa v Bolton 15:00

What a way to start the season. Alphabetically, the first game of the new season, and one to avoid unless you have little better to do, which, let’s face it, is highly likely if you’re in the Villa Park area come Saturday. Both sides have probably signed a few new mediocre squad players since the end of last season, but I have no idea who they might be. Villa have lost the completely unprolific Vassell.

Destiny reveals: A cheeky Okocha free-kick and 90 minutes of midfield toil

Prediction: 1-1

Everton v Man Utd 12:45

The two lesser sides from famous footballing cities go head to head in a lunchtime battle to kick off the new season in a stylish flourish of yellow cards.

Destiny reveals: Ronaldo hitting the post 6 times in the second half, The letter ‘R’ is a lucky goalscorer.

Prediction: 0-1

Fulham v Birmingham 15:00

Fulham have lost Van Der Saar, bringing the average height and lankiness of the squad within FA regulations. The Blues will be tough opposition this year, while Fulham could do with a good start - this could be a tough season for them.

Destiny reveals: Nothing whatsoever. Not a good omen.

Prediction: 2-1

Man City v West Brom 15:00

So, how exactly did West Brom stay up last season? Que gran mystery! Ah yes, it was because there were three sides marginally more incompetent below them. Which could be their best bet this season as well, although I do expect they’ll flirt with the top half of the table. Very briefly. Suddenly under Pearce, Man City in contrast look like a half-decent team, with a bit of flair. Shame about SWP joining the West London Modelling Agency, but £21 million will look nice in the bank (or won’t if reported debts of £96 are to be believed - Leeds Utd anyone?)

Destiny reveals: Entire home squad have changed their name to Wright-Phillips in the hope of raising some cash.

Prediction: 3-1

Middlesbrough v Liverpool 17:15

Not that I’m biased in a Mark Lawrenson kind of way, but obviously Liverpool (European champions, by the way) will win this one. Boro have as good a strike force as any other side bubbling under the Champions League (which Liverpool recently won) spots, but will Hasselbaink and Yakubu get on? Will they get it on? Who knows, or cares, as Liverpool scratch out a dodgy away win. Cisse to poke one in, and Morientes to look very slow for most of the game before heading in a beauty.

Destiny Reveals: Milan Baros in a Liverpool shirt. I know. Weird.

Prediction: 1-2

Portsmouth v Tottenham 15:00

Spurs are going to be good this year, mark my words. Top 5 for them. Bottom 5 for Pompey, probably, but at least they’ll start with a home win. I don’t know, I’m making this stuff up as I go along, in case you hadn’t guessed…

Destiny Reveals: Safe Hands in the home goal playing a blinder. Something Anfield somehow never saw.

Prediction: 2-1

Sunderland v Charlton 15:00

Since Sunderland were promoted last year, I feel duty bound to tip them for relegation. They used to be good at home, if I recall correctly, but that was years ago. Charlton are often horrible away from home, though, so it’s a happy return to the Prem for Mackems everywhere.

Destiny Reveals: Someone I’ve never heard of scoring the winner from a set-piece.

Prediction: 1-0

West Ham v Blackburn 15:00

What a day it’s going to be for the happy Hammers on their return to the Premiership. And I, for one, would just like to say how delighted I am to welcome OAP Sir Teddy Edward Sheringham back into the Premiership.

Destiny Reveals: Tony Cottee and Frank McAvennie give the Londoners an early lead, but Bellamy stops shouting at no-one in particular for just long enough to tap home the winner.

Prediction: 2-3

Sunday August 14th

Arsenal v Newcastle, 13:30

Is Michael Owen really thinking of signing for Newcastle? After not winning anything last season, surely St James’ Park is the last place he needs to be in his pursuit of medals. Anyhoo, expect intermitten bleating and shouting from Souness, and N’castle to generally underperform again this season.

Destiny Reveals: One of these managers will be out of a job within a month, but which one?

Prediction: 2-0

Wigan v Chelsea, 16:00

You couldn’t ask for a better way to start your first Prem campaign, really, at home to the champions. Expect the Croesus XI to return to their penthouses with 3 points, but they won’t have it all their way. Local crowd will be vocal, but inside wishing their Chairman had gone into the Oil business instead of selling cheap chavwear.

Destiny Reveals: Crespo misses a sitter while dreaming of Champions League glory.

Prediction: 0-2

Tags: Football, Premiership, Predictions