I’m the best there is

This blog believes that it is the right, nay, duty, of every Apprentice candidate to dissolve into unexpected sobbing and shaking at the merest provocation. Those unable to cry on cue should instead throw the word “F*“, at will, into otherwise perfectly acceptable sentences.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, Mani.

This week, the two teams were set the task of producing a themed calendar for Great Ormond St Hospital, and pitching the calendar to three buyers: Harrods, Virgin, and The Calendar Club. Whoever made the most money would win. Simple as that. The boys chose Samuel to lead veryvicta, while in the girls camp, Nargis had the bridge.

And in their own intense way, both teams proceeded to make an utter balls up:

The first stage, naturally, is planning. But if you have Samuel at the helm, it’s also the second, third, fourth and fifth stages of any project. After outlining various brainstorming strategies, under his direction, the boys spent their morning talking about planning about talking about nothing in particular. Even Murdoch was bored into submission. Eyes and ears Margaret Mountford offered them criticism and salvation in one:

Aeons later, Samuel sums up the collective effort of 6 smart business minds: “The obvious strategy is to go with babies”. What was that - 18 man hours? Thank you. Moving on…

Margaret/Jo/Tigger meanwhile was causing problems in the girls team, by pointing out very sensibly that the idea of a quite contemporary, sharp, quite classy calendar featuring cute kittens was “bollocks”. Amazingly, not one of the girls suggested she be given a few minutes to state her case coherently: instead, Nargis laid down the law, and Karen did her best to mediate. And so the world’s most unthemed themed calendar was born. Not only that, but it was the first calendar not to feature any space at all for writing in appointments, events, anniversaries, etc.

Mani is busy, in his own modest way, preparing his pitch:

“I am a complete expert in presenting, and I will knock the audience flat with anything you give me. It’s what I do for a living…I know that we will absolutely blow them out of the water.”

He goes on to mention that it will be succinct, because that’s his style. Here, then, is his response to the question from his project leader, of when the design of the calendar will be complete:

“What you need to understand is that there are so many variables, i mean so many variables, so we’re going to be playing around with all the variables within the framework that we’ve got.”

Tuan hasn’t quite decided on the background colour for January by the time the team meet in the design office, so the rest of the boys oust him and take over. Cue tears from Tuan.
The next morning, it’s Sam’s turn to cry. This time, at the prospect of victory.
Meanwhile, Sam and Mani don’t have a price worked out, which Syed points out is something they’ve had 36 hours to decide. Cue swearing from Mani. Cue Ansell. In a towel, brandishing the righteous hammer of mediation. It’s 8:30, he stresses, they’re off in half an hour, this is not the time for arguing. No, it’s the time for getting dressed, into a suit, ready for work, ready to go outside, that sort of thing, and at least everyone else has managed that.

The pitches

Clearly, Mani was going to be pitching for the boys, what with him being the best in the business and all, but for the girls, no-experience Nargis stepped up. There’s no easy way of describing her performance. The best you can do is watch the programme on the BBC web site, believe me. All I’ll say is this: Did you know that there are 6 million cat owners in the UK. Most of whom actually live in London? Nope, me neither. Did you also know that you shouldn’t interrupt someone while they’re giving a pitch? No, me neither.

Mani meanwhile is giving his best 19th Century actor’s pitch, rights and all. If only they’d thought of a price before the pitch, eh? With Harrods not overly impressed, the boys head to Virgin, where they find out their product is:

Another failure, so they’re off to The Calendar Club. This time, their cheap and cheerful look appeals to the buyer, which is just as well, seeing as how they sell more calendars than pretty much anyone else in the country. Which begs the question: did the teams know who they’d be pitching to, and if so, why didn’t anyone mention it? Why wasn’t the focus on that? Surely, if the key factor in who wins is who can make the most money out of the buyers, isn’t it a fairly important factor to think about what the buyers might go for?

The boardroom

Nargis: Finished

The results are in, and despite selling no copies to two buyers, the boys are saved by The Calendar Club, who buy six thousand calendars, bringing in just over 10 grand. Somehow, the girls manage to sell some calendars to all three, but not in enough bulk, so it’s 1-1.

In the sugarman’s eyes, there’s one reason and one reason only for their failure:

Who’d have thought - Sir Alan preferred the slightly tacky baby shoot, over the cute cats. Duh.

Anyway, there then follows some tedious back and forthing about who f*ed up the worst, before Nargis decides to bring Tigger and Karen back into the boardroom for the face-off, and for being utterly rubbish, Nargis had to go. Besides, Tigger has too good a line in random outbursts and dark mutterings for her to go just yet.

2 down, 12 to go.

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